Arrival
by The Cold Chronicles
Summary: Kaidan wants to resume his relationship with Shepard. Their meeting on Horizon did not end well. Is it too late for him and Shepard? Time line story occurs in Mass Effect 2, after completion of final mission and end of game.
1. Arrival

The presidium was quiet. The only sound that could be heard was the soft woosh of the lake fountains. The relaxing rustle of water falling brought no relief to Kaidan. It didn't matter how many times he walked the presidium, each time he found himself thinking of Shepard. The memory of her haunted him. He could hear her voice in the hushed silence and see her ghost walking the corridors. Kaidan walked lost in memories of times past. Each place along his route was marked by her absence. Kaidan silently recounted each place along his path as times spent with Shepard.

The artificial sun light glinted off the walkway, dazzling his eyes and creating blind spots in his vision. Unable to see, Kaidan stopped at the railing overlooking the lake. The sound of laughter drifted over him as a memory of Shepard engulfed him. The image of her smile made him sigh. He could almost hear her laughter. The memory roused an old familiar ache in his chest. Like an old friend, the pain reminded him of his life without her. He was hollow, a shell of who he was. _Shepard._ Kaidan breathed deeply as he straightened and tried in vain to calm himself. The tension of his shoulders was a constant reminder of his agitation.

He had been on edge since learning of the Normandy passing into the Omega 4 relay. Each morning he waited, hoping yet dreading any news. Each night that passed with no word, Kaidan would wonder if he would ever see her again. _If it was her. _He reminded himself again. The doubt that the person he saw on Horizon wasn't Shepard kept him sane. If he allowed himself to believe, even for one moment, that it really was her, fear and guilt threatened to crush him. Each moment his fear and doubt stalked him. They pursued him relentlessly. In the quiet moments, they waited.

In an effort to cope Kaidan threw himself into his work. He looked for places to go, people to talk to, things to do. The only problem was there wasn't much that needed to be done. Finally, after long moments of restlessness, Kaidan was told Admiral Anderson requested to see him. The summons was a blessing. He needed something to take his mind of his fear and doubt. The memory of Shepard wasn't so easily banished.

Kaidan continued walking, wanting to get to the embassies and have something to do. As he passed C-Sec Academy, he breathed deeply as another memory assaulted his thoughts. The image of him and Shepard walking with Urdnot Rex laughing. _That's why Shepard's your superior officer. And that's why Shepard would win. _Kaidan shook his head and quickened his pace. Seeing the embassies brought a surge of relief. _I hope Anderson has something for me._ Taking two steps at a time, Kaidan hurriedly walked into the Admiral's office.

Kaidan spotted Admiral Anderson watching him as he entered the room. "Commander Alenko. I'm glad you're here." Kaidan stopped and saluted.

"At ease. I want to speak with you." Anderson turned and walked toward the balcony.

"Sir." Kaidan followed the Admiral.

Leaning against the railing, Anderson stared out to the presidium. Awkwardly Kaidan joined him and quietly surveyed the Admiral.

"C-Sec notified me that the Normandy was en route to the Citadel. ETA 10 minutes. Dock 449." The news stunned Kaidan.

"Shepard?" He gasped.

"Alive and on board." Anderson spoke quietly as he continued to look over the presidium. Unable to restrain himself, Kaidan turned and began walking toward the door.

"Alenko." Anderson's call stopped him. Cautiously he looked back at the Admiral. "Sir?" The Admiral didn't turn to look at him."The Council wants to meet with her in a couple of hours." Pausing, Admiral Anderson glanced over his shoulder at Kaidan. "Make sure she's okay."

"Yes, sir." Kaidan turned quickly toward the door and left the office. Once out of the Admirals presence, Kaidan began to run. Taking the steps two at a time, Kaidan hit the embassy's main floor in a sprint. Not wanting to wait on a fast transit taxi, Kaidan raced toward C-Sec.

After pressing the elevator button, he paced, silently urging the elevator to move quickly. Time seemed to slow as he waited impatiently for the doors to open. Once the elevator reached the presidium, Kaidan pushed through the elevator doors and hit the button for C-Sec Academy. Knowing the descent was only a couple of minutes made the time stretch into what seemed like hours. As the doors opened, he pushed his way through and ran down the steps to the elevator that lead to the dock. Hitting the elevator doors at full sprint, he clawed his way into the interior. Ducking into the elevator, he quickly pressed the docking bay button.

Leaning against the wall, he watched the doors close. Kaidan tried, in vain, to calm his breathing. His thoughts whirled and twisted. _She's alive_. Kaidan's mind tumbled as he watched the floors pass by the elevator window. _What if she's hurt_? _What do I say? Will she be happy to see me? _Kaidan willed the elevator to move faster. The jolt of the elevator broke his rumination. As soon as the doors began to open, Kaidan pushed his way out of the elevator and immediately scanned the docking bay for the Normandy.

"Can I help you?" A docking attendant asked.

"The Normandy..." Kaidan scanned the bays then the skies beyond.

"In bound, 2 minutes." The attendant replied.

Kaidan watched the horizon looking for the Normandy.

"There." The attendant pointed toward the nebula. Kaidan caught sight of the Normandy. The hull was bright, the ships name blazed in triumph. He stared transfixed as the ship slowly approached the Citadel. Walking toward the ship, Kaidan could see someone exiting the Normandy. As he rounded the corner to peer down the walkway, he caught site of Shepard as she talked with an attendant.

The moment he saw her, the world hushed. He could hear nothing but the roar of his heartbeat and the rasp of his gasping breath. Every day since seeing her on Horizon, he tried to tell himself that the woman he saw wasn't Shepard. The person he held, the voice he heard and the face he saw wasn't her. Not Shepard, not his Shepard. Now he realized he was lying to himself. He knew it was Shepard. No one but Shepard could pass through the Omega 4 Relay and return. A wave of relief rushed through him as the realization of what he had done slammed into his awareness. _I left her._ _I let her face the Collectors alone._ The hollowness of the past two years engulfed him as fear gripped his heart._ What have I done?_

Kaidan studied her face as he stumbled toward her. Each step was agonizing. She hadn't seen him. He walked watching where she stood. Her head bent, she spoke with the attendant unaware of him. _Look at me._ Kaidan silently called. It was as if he called her name aloud, she turned and looked at him. The moment her amber eyes met his, he crossed the remaining steps in rush, scooping her into his arms and burying his face in her hair. The smell of her, the warmth of her touch made him shake. The hollowness that threatened to engulf him filled with brilliant intensity. His world spun madly in response to her presence.

Pulling away, he cupped her face. "Shepard."Gently she squeezed him as she pulled away. Releasing her, he stepped back studying at her face. Like jewels, her amber eyes dazzled him. Her face flushed as she smiled at him. "Kaidan, how have you been?"

Kaidan gaped at her stunned. "How've I been?" He was incredulous. "I didn't know if you were coming back! Every day I checked with Anderson, nothing. I didn't know if you were alive or dead. Why didn't you call me?" Kaidan reached and grasped her hands. Her warm strong hands gently squeezed his as she studied his face, her expression unreadable.

"It was a dangerous mission, the Normandy needed repairs. I came here as soon as I could." The flat tone of her words worried Kaidan.

"Are you okay?" Kaidan squeezed her hands in return.

"I'm fine." Shepard smiled but her tone continued to worry him.

"Shepard, I... I'm sorry." Shepard frowned at him. "For what?"

"For leaving you on Horizon. I should've been there. I should've gone with you. The last few months have been hell. When I heard that you went through the Omega 4 relay. I didn't know if I'd see you again. I don't like how we ended things." Kaidan pressed her hands to his chest.

"Kaidan, your message explained everything." Shepard smiled. Her kindness and understanding made the pain he felt unbearable.

"My message? I, we.. need to talk." Kaidan stepped closer to her. Uncertain, Shepard looked away.

"I have to meet with the Council in a couple of hours. I have to resupply the Normandy. I have a few other things to attend too. Can we meet in an hour?" Shepard asked. Her voice distant.

"Of course. Just tell me where." Kaidan felt relief surge through him.

"Outside the Med Clinic. You remember where?" Shepard looked at him and smiled softly. Kaidan nodded as he squeezed her hands.

"I'll see you then." He brought her hands to his lips. Shepard touched his face before turning away and entered the Normandy. Smiling, he watched her disappear. Kaidan breathed deeply, he could feel his lungs expand and his blood rush through his veins. He was relieved. She was alive and wanted to talk. Having nothing more to do, Kaidan thought of somewhere to pass the time. Flux was close and the drinks were good.


	2. Words

Sitting at the bar, Kaidan waved at the bartender. Doran nodded as he slowly made his way toward Kaidan. Doran was the sometimes bartender, sometimes bouncer and sometimes dancer at Flux. Kaidan and the volus had become good friends since his time with Shepard.

"Commander Alenko. It's good to see you." Doran filled a glass of Kaidan's usual and set it before him. Smiling to himself, he toyed with the glass as he thought about Shepard. Kaidan smiled as he took a long sip of the drink before setting the glass on the bar. A light touch on his shoulder startled him causing him to tip his glass spilling some of his drink on the bar. Looking over his shoulder, he could see Jena giggling. She always had a way to fluster him.

"Commander, haven't seen you in awhile." Jenna wicked smile, teased him. Kaidan felt his ears and cheeks redden. Jenna's flirtations always made him feel tongue-tied.

"Thanks. Just killing time." Kaidan examined the mess he made. Seeing the spill, Jenna handed him some napkins.

"You should come by more often." Jenna winked as she softly bumped him with her hip before walking away. Nodding in response, Kaidan began to wipe the mess be made as he continued to think of Shepard. Lost in thought, Kaidan didn't notice Garrus fall into the seat next to him.

"Thought I'd find you here." Kaidan nearly spilled the rest of his drink when he heard Garrus' voice. Setting the drink upright, Kaidan gave Garrus a harried looked. Chuckling to himself, he set the wet napkins on the bar before turning to Garrus.

"It's good to see you." Garrus nodded in response. Leaning backward, Garrus motioned to the person sitting next to him. Kaidan noticed a man Garrus was referring too.

"Kaidan, this is Thane Krios, another member of Shepard's team. Thane, this is Alliance Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko." Glancing around Garrus, Kaidan examined Thane. He had received reports that Shepard had recruited a drell assassin but he hadn't thought he would meet him. Thane's brown leathers off set the vivid emerald hue of his skin. Thane's onyx eyes stared evenly at Kaidan. Reaching past Garrus he extended his hand. Thane looked at Kaidan's hand before shaking it. Thane's grip was firm and even. Kaidan shuttered at Thane's touch wondering how dangerous of an assassin the drell could be.

"It's good to meet another member of Shepard's crew. How was it passing through the Omega 4 Relay?" Garrus cleared his throat as Thane looked impassively at Garrus before looking at Kaidan.

"Difficult. Garrus and I accompanied Shepard through the Relay then we were with her during the attack on the Collector base. We helped her destroy the base." Thane then gave him a slight bow before waving at Jenna. Taken aback by Thane's quick explanation, Kaidan realized that Shepard must trust him. Kaidan and Garrus were with Shepard when she fought Saren. _She would only take those she trusts or..._ The memory of the night he and Shepard spent together before Ilos flashed in his mind. Looking from Garrus to Thane, he wondered. _Did Shepard...? _Unable to finish the thought, Kaidan looked away quickly. Suddenly he began to worry. He watched as Thane ordered him and Garrus a drink from Jenna. Kaidan watched the barmaid as she placed a two glasses of tea, one turian the other human before his companions. Turning back to Thane, he was surprised to see the drell studying him. Kaidan sighed as anxiety tightened his gut.

"It must have been one hell of a fight. I should have been there." Garrus set his fist on the bar with a loud rap.

"You made your choice. You also said a few things to Shepard before you made that choice." Garrus's words cut Kaidan. The memory of the argument he had with Shepard on Horizon was fresh in his memory. Kaidan nodded as he breathed deeply.

"Don't think I haven't regretted my words or actions." Kaidan glared at Garrus. "Besides. It's Shepard, you know as well as I go, nothing can stop her. You're here. She made it back." Shaking his head, Garrus glared at Kaidan.

"So it's 'Shepard' now? Are you sure, because last time, you weren't very sure." Kaidan sat quietly as he gently pushed his glass and wet napkins to the edge of the bar. Garrus took a sip from his drink before he looking at Kaidan.

"Commander's waiting for you." Kaidan nodded silently in response. Standing slowly, Kaidan glanced at Garrus and noticed the scars on his face.

"What happened?" Thane quiet until now began to chuckle. Garrus glared at Thane. Smiling in response, Thane stared at Garrus as he placed his elbows on the bar and rested his chin on his hands. Thane's eyes were full of merriment at the turians discomfort. Sighing in frustration, Garrus shook his head.

"Damn gunship." Seeing Garrus expression, Thane slapped him on his shoulder.

"Perhaps we should find you a female Krogan?" Garrus groaned as Thane began to laugh. Looking at Kaidan, Garrus motioned for him to leave. Kaidan watched Garrus and Thane as they sat enjoying the joke. _What happened? _A small flare of jealousy whirled in Kaidan. He remembered times when he, Garrus and Shepard shared private jokes.

Kaidan stood looking at Garrus wondering if his injuries were more extensive than just the facial scars. Seeing Kaidan stare, Garrus hung his head.

"Go talk to her. You've got a lot to discuss." Garrus spoke with finality. Kaidan glanced at Thane. Nodding slightly, Thane turned and motioned again for Jenna. Feeling alone, Kaidan quietly left.

Making his way toward the Med Clinic, Kaidan spotted Shepard as she stood leaning against the railing. She always loved to watch the nebula.

"Shepard." Kaidan called as he approached her. Hearing her name, she turned to face him. Her soft smile beckoned him. Quickening his pace, he rushed to her. Shepard leaned against the railing as he joined her.

"Tell me Staff Commander, do you get much shore leave?" Kaidan laughed softly as he recalled Ashley William's joke. Shepard smiled as she turned back to stare at the nebula. Stepping closer, he studied her face. Her amber eyes twinkled as her ebony hair curled wildly atop her head. Kaidan always thought she was stunning, her eyes contrasted her ebony hair but it was her soft honey beige skin that he remembered the most. Shepard had the softest skin, like living silk when she touched him. Sighing, he reach for her hand. Her fingers were warm and strong as they grasped his. Squeezing her hand, Kaidan gazed into her eyes.

"How are you?" Kaidan studied her face as she sighed and she looked at him.

"Fine. How's your doctor friend?" Shepard's question confused him. Kaidan released her hands as he turned to lean against the railing.

"Last I heard she was fine." Glancing back at Shepard he could see a small smile play at her lips. Kaidan began to wonder why Shepard brought up the doctor. Turning to lean against the railing, Shepard clasped her hands as she stared out the window.

"It's good to see you moving on." Surprised by her words, Kaidan stared her. Standing straight, he touched her arm.

"It's not that easy, Shepard. It's was one thing thinking you were dead. It's another knowing you're alive." Kaidan could feel his world pull hard to port. Shaking his head, he grabbed her shoulder, turning her toward him. Stepping away, Shepard stared at him.

"It has to be." Stepping closer, she gazed into his eyes as the light played in her hair.

"You've spent the last two years mourning my death, not living. It's time for you to start living." Kaidan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Hanging his head, Kaidan tried to think. He needed answers.

"What happened?" Shepard was quiet. Watching her, Kaidan waited patiently as he listened to her breathing. Slowly he began to fidget.

"Kaidan. I need you to understand..." Shepard began to speak but he interrupted.

"I wish I went with you. It nearly killed me not knowing." Kaidan studied her, his eyes pleading. Shepard frowned.

"There is no future for us. " Shepard's words caused Kaidan's world to spin. Moving away her, he grabbed the railing.

"W..what?" Kaidan stammered unsure of what he just heard. Taking a step back, Shepard eyes were emotionless.

"Kaidan, I was dead for two years. You moved on. Your letter hinted at that you wanted us to be together again. I can't do that. I won't. Our paths are different." Kaidan shook his head as he tried to get his mind around what she was saying.

"Shepard, all that matters is us. I love you." Franticly he thought of what he could say to convince her. All the while Shepard continued to stare quietly at him.

"I thought that.. when you wanted to talk that you..." Trailing off, Kaidan felt confused as she turned and stared at the nebula.

"Kaidan. Your message... What you wrote told me you moved on. I'm happy for you." Shepard looked at him, a frown marring her brow. Kaidan couldn't believe what she was saying. He had to find a way to make her understand.

"I want to be with you, Shepard. I want to be at your side. With or without the Alliance, I don't care. I walked away from you once I can't do that again." Kaidan needed her. He needed to be with her and have her in his life. Desperately he moved closer to her but she stepped away. Gently she shook her head.

"Please understand, I know you love me but I can't give you what you want." Shepard stared at Kaidan her eyes imploring. _No, this can't be happening._ He felt lost. Unable to meet her gaze, Kaidan stepped back, pain racing through his chest.  
"Is it because of what happened on Horizon?" He asked, pain coloring his voice. Shepard sighed as she looked at him.

"You moved on with your life. I want you to have that." Shepard stood watching him. Her expression tender. Slowly he stared at her, his eyes boring into hers.

"You want me to move on?" Anger began to build, Kaidan could feel his skin begin to tingle. His hands began to glow a faint blue. Quickly he clamped down his feelings, he couldn't let his biotics run wild. Shepard saw the blue glow and stepped back, her hands glowing softly.

"Yes. I know you're hurting and I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you." Kaidan's anger began to suffocate him, he couldn't breathe. Desperately he sought control of his emotions. Suddenly he remembered what Thane told him. Stepping away, he began to pace.

"And what does Thane Krios have to do with this?" Kaidan spat his name. All of a sudden he knew Thane was with Shepard. Kaidan wanted to strangle the drell. _Damn him!_ Shepard looked surprised.

"Thane?" Shepard asked incredulously. Kaidan glared at her, his face twisted in fury.

"Yes. Thane. The assassin. The damn drell assassin! He told me that he and Garrus were with you when you attacked the Collectors Base." Shepard glared at Kaidan, her hands balling into fists.

"What does any of this have to do with Thane?" Kaidan grabbed onto the railing, his hands digging into the metal. He wanted to pull the railing off its mounting and throw it.

"It was me the night before Ilos, was it him the night before the relay?" Shepard crossed her arms and glared at him.

"I see. You want it all, don't you Kaidan? Just like it was before. The only thing is, I offered that to you. Then you called me a traitor and walked away. You left me. Even it is Thane, you made your choice long before I made mine." Kaidan pushed himself away from the railing and sneered at Shepard.

"I love you and you were with him! You're nothing more than a..." Kaidan didn't finish his sentence before Garrus was looming beside him.

"Don't. You. Dare." Garrus hissed. Startled, Kaidan staggered back as Garrus towered over him. Kaidan watched as Thane walked to Shepard. Seeing him approach, she turned to him. Thane and Shepard stared into each other's eyes causing Kaidan to look away. The moment felt too private.

"Siha, Garrus was concerned. It appears he was correct. We came to retrieve and escort you to the meeting." Kaidan watched as Thane stood close to Shepard shielding her from him. Ashamed, Kaidan hung his head.

"Garrus... please... I need... Shepard?" Shepard glanced at Thane. Seeming to read her intentions, he stepped away and gestured for Garrus to follow. Nodding at Thane, Garrus looked at Kaidan and scoffed.

"You of all people..." Kaidan interrupted.

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I let my anger take over. Thank you for stopping me." Garrus shook his head as he walked away. Shepard approached Kaidan, her eyes soft.

"It was never my intention to hurt you Kaidan. You don't have to agree with my choices but they are my choices. I choose Thane because I love him. It has nothing to do with you. I don't regret what we had but our time is past. You need to move on. I have." Kaidan looked at her.

"I love you." Slowly he stepped closer as he gazed into her eyes. Shepard gently touched his shoulder. The armor prevented him from feeling her touch but he could see that she did care for him.

"You have to let me go, Kaidan. The Council, the Alliance, they need you." Shepard voice was steady, her tone calm. Kaidan wanted to pull her to him but resisted. He wasn't sure what Garrus or Thane would do. Instead he tried to think of something that would make her want to stay. Softly he laid his hand over hers as he brought it to his chest.

"I need you." Shepard shook her head as she delicately touched his face.

"Everyone needs me. You need me, the galaxy needs me. I don't want to be needed. I want to be loved, wanted." Looking away, she stared at Thane. With a soft touch, she crushed any hope he held.

"Did you ever love me, Shepard?" Kaidan asked quietly. Shepard looked back to Kaidan, her eyes bright with anger.

"How can you say that?" His heart clenched at her answer as a lump formed in his throat making it difficult to breath. Coughing, Kaidan tried to find the words to convince her to stay. She sighed gently as she touched his arm.

"I did love you once. It seems so long ago. I do care for you. We have a history, how can I not care for you? I want you to live, to be happy. Our paths are different. I have to go down a path you can't follow." Her words rang like bells against his frozen heart. _She loved me._ Kaidan didn't know what do, he couldn't move. All he knew was that he was losing her. He lost her once, it nearly killed him. He didn't know if he would survive a second time.

Silence permeated the air between them. Shepard looked helplessly at Kaidan then glanced at Thane.

"I have to go, the Councils waiting. I was hoping to walk with you to the meeting but.. Good-bye Kaidan. Take care of yourself." Shepard turned and began to walk toward Garrus and Thane. Kaidan looked up at Shepard. Unable to let her go, he grabbed for her hand. Stopping, Shepard turned to look at Kaidan. Gently, he tried to pull her back to him.

"Don't do this." Kaidan whispered. Gazing deeply into her eyes, his voice turned frantic. "Don't leave me, Shepard." She sighed as she squeezed his hand causing Kaidan to tug harder.

"I love you." Kaidan pled. Shepard stepped back studying his face. Unable to endure his pain, she looked away. Her voice was unwavering as she replied.

"My crew, my mission, I have to go. I have to follow my path. You have to let me go." Suddenly she turned, her eyes pleading, beseeching Kaidan to understand. Her words stunned him, he didn't know what to say. He wanted Shepard. He wanted her with him, smiling at him, needing him the way he needed her. Feeling Shepard's hand lightly touch his forearm caught Kaidan's attention. Looking at and holding her hand, Kaidan slowly he realized what he had to do. He wasn't sure he could do it but he knew there was no other choice. The pain of his decision was agonizing. Clearing his throat he tried to prepare for what he was about to say. His voice had to be firm, he couldn't waiver.

"I'll wait for you, Shepard. No matter what. I'll be here." Kaidan could hear Shepard sigh as his words washed over her. Softly he kissed her hand then looked into her eyes. She shook her head but said nothing.

Taking one last look at Kaidan, she turned and moved to the railing. Standing side by side they watched the nebula. Feeling lightheaded, Kaidan leaned against the railing. He felt hollow, empty, broken. The only thing he had left was his promise and he would keep his promise. His resolve gave him strength, he pushed himself away from the railing to turn to Shepard.

"The Council's waiting." Kaidan gestured toward the fast transit taxi. Shepard softly smiled at Kaidan. "We have a few minutes, let's walk through the presidium." Kaidan nodded at Shepard.

"I love you, Shepard. I'm sorry. I can't seem to get things right. I really am sorry." Kaidan said as he stepped away from the railing. Shepard smiled as she turned and began walking toward the elevator. Garrus and Thane stood waiting. Walking with Shepard, Kaidan stopped in front of Garrus.

"I need to apologize for what happened. I let my anger take hold." Garrus looked at Kaidan before placing his hand heavy on his shoulder.

"Don't ever do that again. There won't be a next time." Kaidan's shoulder bowed under the weight of Garrus' hand.

"I won't." Looking to Thane, Kaidan watched as the assassin stared evenly at him. Stepping in front of Shepard, Thane approached Kaidan.

"You have a history with Shepard and I will respect it, as I respect her. It is her choice, should she choose you, I will not interfere but since she has chose me, I ask you to not interfere." Thane then turned and walked back to Shepard. Kaidan was shocked by Thane's words, he expected a warning or a threat not a request. Jealousy roared in his head. _He's just trying to look good in front of Shepard._ Kaidan scoffed at Thane's back.

"Just remember who loves her more." A small smiled played at Thane's lips as he looked back at Kaidan.

"Of course, I respect Garrus and count him as my friend." Turning toward Shepard, Thane walked to her side as she moved toward the elevator. Kaidan didn't know what to say or do. Looking to Garrus, he stammered. Garrus began to laugh as he watched Kaidan.

"Let's go." Garrus and Kaidan joined Shepard and Thane in the elevator. Kaidan looked around the small area feeling awkward. Watching Kaidan, Shepard began to laugh as the elevator doors began to close.

"Shepard and all her men."


	3. Paths

Walking with Shepard through the presidium was surreal. _Just like old times._ A year ago, Kaidan would have given anything to be with her one last time. Now that his longing was fulfilled, Kaidan relished the few minutes he had with her. Greedily, Kaidan studied her gait, her stride, the way she moved. He listened to her footfalls and the soft rustle of her armor. For a few precious minutes, Kaidan didn't worry about the future, all that mattered was the present. Their walk ended as they stood in front of the elevator that lead to the Citadel Tower and the Council Chambers above.

Riding the elevator, Kaidan studied Shepard. The soft curl of her midnight black hair reminded him of the night skies back home. He could still feel the softness of her skin on his. Smiling, Kaidan memorized her profile. He wanted to make the time with her last. In the months to come, this moment would bring him comfort when he was alone or unsure. Shepard was his strength and he would hold her memory close until he could hold her again. _Hope against hope. Stupid._

The elevator reached the Council Chamber floor with a soft jolt. The movement broke Kaidan's reverie. Kaidan met Shepard gaze before she stepped out of the elevator. Breathing deeply, Kaidan followed her to the Council Chambers. The atrium was crowded with people milling before the Council meeting. Light conversation floated in the air as Shepard and Kaidan wove their way through the crowd to climb the stairs to the speaker's podium. Ascending the last step, Kaidan glanced back to see Garrus and Thane following closely.

Stopping at the top step, Kaidan watched as Garrus and Thane begin speaking with Shepard. Seeing Kaidan, Garrus nodded but Kaidan's eyes were focused on the drell. He studied Thane Krios as he stood next to Shepard. Kaidan could hear Thane's deep resonating voice as he spoke quietly to Shepard. He wondered how Shepard could stand the reverberation, the sound made Kaidan want to clear his throat.

As Shepard and Thane spoke, Kaidan noted Thane's clothing. His apparent lack of armor and the way he held himself created the impression of defenselessness. Kaidan knew from his contacts that the drell was anything but defenseless. Thane appeared calm, controlled and Kaidan hated the drell. He hated feeling jealous but the thought of Shepard with Thane made him angry. Thoughts of hurting Thane began to form in Kaidan's mind. _Just a quick biotic slam and he would... _The image of Thane flying through the air and hitting the wall across the atrium made Kaidan smile.

Taking a deep breath, Kaidan tried to calm himself. Causing a fight wouldn't help Shepard. Chances were good, Shepard would hit him with her biotics. Looking away, he reminded himself of his promise to her. Instead of trying to think of ways of hurting Thane, Kaidan studied him to see what Shepard loved about him. The drell appeared focused, his back was straight, his wide black eyes seemed to take in every movement. The way he stood told Kaidan he was prepared for anything. The sniper rifle at this back appeared to be well worn. Kaidan had to ruefully admit to himself that he may not be able to stand up to Thane in a fight.

Switching his attention to Shepard, Kaidan could see that she loved Thane. Watching Shepard, Kaidan could see her expression was soft and tender. Her focus was on him. She looked vulnerable but Kaidan also knew that Sheaprd could be deceiving. She could turn from kind and caring to dangerous in a heartbeat. She was never cruel. Kaidan had yelled at her, threatened her with his biotics yet, she held firm. _I can't believe I almost called her a..._ He couldn't bring himself to thing of the word. Looking at Thane, Kaidan could see he cared for her, his expression was adoring. His love laid bare and Kaidan hated him for it. Clenching his teeth, Kaidan again thought of throwing Thane across the council chamber. It was the sound of Garrus' voice that broke into Kaidan's thoughts.

"The rest of the team is waiting. Admiral Anderson is with them." Garrus motioned toward the Council prompting Shepard to join her team. Kaidan stood back as Garrus and Thane flanked Shepard, following her. Kaidan walked behind them. Feeling disconnected from her, he walked and stood next to Admiral Anderson. Anderson nodded in greeting.

Glancing toward Shepard, Kaidan watched Thane and Garrus as they stood next to her. He could see Shepard and Thane standing shoulder to shoulder, their bodies touching. The thought of Shepard with Thane, holding him, kissing him, loving him was more than what he could stand. The green snake of jealousy hissed in his ear as his skin began to tingle and his hands began to shimmer with a soft blue aura.

"Alenko." Admiral Anderson's harsh whisper interrupted his thoughts. Breathing deeply, Kaidan concentrated on controlling his feelings. Slowly the tingle of his skin began to fade. Looking at Anderson, Kaidan saw a look of sympathy cross the admiral's usually stoic face. Lowering his head, Kaidan fought for control.

Kaidan listened to the Councils review of the information Shepard presented and grimaced at the questions they asked her and her crew. Feeling restless, Kaidan again glanced at Shepard. She spoke confidently, her head was held high, her voice calm and even. She gave information about the Collector base without wavering. As Shepard relayed the information on her mission, audible gasps could be heard. Despite the growing tension, her team stood solid. _If I had gone with her, I would be standing at her side._ Guilt tore at his soul leaving emptiness in its wake. Kaidan hung his head as he tried to listen. _She went through hell._ Looking at Admiral Anderson, he watched as he bent to whisper to him.

"Commander. The Alliance will be petitioning for another Spectre. Councilor Udina will be addressing the assembly shortly. He will be nominating you. Shepard will be giving you her recommendation. You need to be ready." Kaidan met Anderson's gaze and nodded. The news shocked him. No one mentioned it to him prior to this moment. _She must have known. _Suddenly Shepard words rang through his ears. _The Council, the Alliance, they need you._ Kaidan searched for Shepard and found her watching him. As their eyes met, she nodded. Kaidan then understood how different their paths were. The ties that bound him to Shepard were breaking one by one.

Kaidan listened as Council Udina made the formal request. The three other council members informed the assembly that Kaidan's nomination would be under review. He would be undergoing a formal review by a Spectre to judge is qualifications. If the Spectre approved, Kaidan would be approved and offered a place among the Spectres. The Council called Shepard and requested her recommendation. Shepard stepped forward. Kaidan watched and wondered what she would say.

"Council members, I am honored to give my recommendation for Alliance Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko to join the Spectres. Commander Alenko is a well trained Sentinal with an honorable service record. His advancement would benefit not only humanity, but the galaxy as a whole. I had the opportunity to serve with Staff Commander Alenko. He fulfilled his duties admirably and without hesitation. I fully endorse his candidacy for the Spectres." Shepard gave a small bow before returning to her team. The Council thanked her for her recommendation. Kaidan knew that the recommendation of the first human Spectre was highly regarded and would carry weight with the Council. He felt humbled, he walked away from her yet here she was, pushing him to become something more. Hanging his head, he breathed deeply knowing he lost her but he wouldn't give up hope. Kaidan knew he would have a briefing with Councilor Udina and Admiral Anderson as soon as the Council meeting was over. Hopefully, she would be the one doing the review.

The Council formally thanked Shepard and announced that she, the Normandy and her crew were now under the jurisdiction of the Council. Her next assignment was classified. The Council then adjourned.

Kaidan turned to Admiral Anderson. "Sir." Anderson nodded.

"Wait here, the Councilor will be here in a few minutes. We'll brief you on your review and give you information for your upcoming mission." Anderson turned to leave. "Sir. Will I be reviewed by Commander Shepard?" Stopping, Anderson turned back to Kaidan.

"No, CAPTAIN Shepard has been given her assignment. She and her crew will remain on the Citadel for a short time before leaving. Wait here." He turned and left. _Captain?_ Kaidan was shocked. In a span of an hour, everything changed. Turning quickly he searched for Shepard.

He saw her speaking with the Turian Councilor as her team waited. Kaidan had to speak with her. Walking quickly he caught up with her just as the Councilor was leaving.

"Shepard." He grabbed her shoulder. Turning she met his gaze with a smile.

"Congratulations Kaidan." He searched her face trying to find answers to his questions.

"You knew and you didn't tell me." Shepard looked down and sighed.

"I'd been in contact with Councilor Udina and Admiral Anderson since returning to Citadel space. It wasn't my place to tell you. It was his decision for you to be told before your nomination was announced." Kaidan reached for her hand but stopped himself.

"Captain, huh?" Shepard smiled and shrugged.

"I've been reinstated with the Alliance. They promoted me. The Normandy is now a Council ship and my crew are now under the Council." Kaidan knew his time with her was short.

"You were given your mission?" Shepard nodded. "It's classified but when you join the Spectre's you'll find out." Kaidan searched her face.

"Your going down a path I can't follow. That's what you said." Shepard's expression softened.

"I can't hold you back. I was able to give you this chance. I did it for you." Hanging his head, Kaidan felt his heart breaking.

"Shepard..." Grabbing his hands, Shepard squeezed them.

"If you ever need me, I'll be there. Take care of yourself. Be careful." Shepard released his hands then turned and left. Kaidan watched as she descended the stairs, Garrus and Thane falling into line behind her.

Kaidan stood and waited, watching her until he lost her to the crowds. _She's gone._


	4. Heartache

Slowly Kaidan walked toward Flux. He needed a drink, something strong to numb the pain. As he shambled pass other patrons, he spotted Garrus sitting at the bar. Without a word, Kaidan sat next to him.

"Doran, I need a drink. Make it something strong." Kaidan slumped, his face buried in his hands. _Shepard._ He thought helplessly. Doran watched Kaidan and wondered what brought on the drastic change. It wasn't more than a few hours ago, that Kaidan was happy, content. Now he looked like the galaxy was going to end. The volus placed a glass before Kaidan, and filled it with a light green liquid. Leaning back, Kaidan looked at the drink. Hesitantly, he raised the glass to his lips and drank. The liquid burned his mouth and throat as he swallowed. The pain from the drink replaced the ache in his chest. Placing the glass on the bar, he motioned to Doran.

"Another." His voice ragged. Feeling pity for Kaidan, Doran quickly filled the glass. In one gulp, Kaidan emptied the glass then slid it toward Doran.

"That's heavy stuff. Do you want the bottle?" Doran set the bottle on the bar.

"That's enough." Garrus interrupted, his voice stern. Kaidan looked at him, his head hung low. Doran took the bottle away but left the empty glass.

"Why didn't you tell me?" A sigh escaped Garrus. "Wasn't mine to tell." Garrus sat down while Doran placed a drink in front of him. Kaidan buried his face in his hands as the drink began to warm his arms and legs, making his fingers and toes tingle.

"How long?" Kaidan's question was muffled but Garrus understood. Sipping his drink, Garrus thought about Shepard and Thane.

"Not long, a few months. It happened right after his recruitment. I knew she liked him and he her." Garrus played with his glass. Kaidan stared at him. "How did it happen?" Garrus snickered.

"How does anything like this happen? They talked, she helped him and he... He talked to me about her. He asked my intentions. I told him I didn't have any and they have been together ever since." Garrus took a long drink from his glass, emptying it. He placed the glass on the table and motioned for Doran to fill it.

"He asked you?" Kaidan scoffed as Garrus laughed quietly at him.

"Damnedest thing. Gave him my blessing." Garrus chuckled before continuing. "Going on missions with Thane and Shepard was like nothing I ever experienced, even in the military. She was his equal and he was hers. I never seen anything like it. He moved, she moved." Garrus shook his head as he glanced over at Kaidan. Meeting Garrus' eye, Kaidan snickered.

"Don't tell me you think they're made for each other." Garrus shrugged.

"What's he like?" Kaidan looked down, staring at his hands.

"Quiet, keeps to himself. Meditates and reads. He's done things, bad things. He's killed people but he's trying to atone for his actions before he dies. He's more like a monk than an assassin." Garrus looked around the bar then back at Kaidan. Kaidan breathed deeply and shook his head.

"Is he good to her?" Kaidan needed to know he made the right decision. He had to find a way to live.

"Very good. She's everything to him. He calls her 'Siha', angel. His angel." Garrus sighed as he studied Kaidan. "I know you don't like it but he loves her." Garrus set his glass on the bar and began to stand.

"What do you know?" Kaidan was losing grip on his emotions. He wanted to be angry at someone or something. He wanted someone to know how much he hurt. Garrus saw the war waging in Kaidan eyes and placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

"He's my friend. Just like you. You did the right thing. She cares for you but she loves him." Kaidan snapped at Garrus. "How do you know if I did the right thing?" Garrus breathed deeply, his hand heavy on Kaidan's shoulder.

"Easy, she's with him. She's happy." Garrus patted Kaidan's shoulder. Suddenly, Garrus became very serious.

"You're not the only one who loves her." Kaidan was stunned at Garrus' confession. "Garrus, you..?" Garrus nodded then coughed and looked away. The moment was awkward. Kaidan turned to face Garrus realizing he wasn't the only one who lost Shepard. "Garrus, I'm sorry." Kaidan rose, not knowing what to do.

"Look, she's happy, that's all that matters. I have to go. Don't do anything stupid to make me shoot you. Take care of yourself." Garrus paid his tab and began to walk away.

"Garrus." Kaidan called. Garrus stopped and turned back to look at him.

"Thanks." Garrus nodded in response and walked away. Kaidan sat back on his stool and wondered at he and Garrus' situation. Unable to find any answers, Kaidan paid is tab then began making his way back to his apartment. Somehow he would have to find a way to live.


	5. Jealousy

Consciousness gently bumped against his alcohol induced stupor. He could faintly hear footsteps and the echo of talking. Pushing the sensations away, he tried to find reprieve in sleep but the memory of his dream brought him to full wakefulness. Sitting up from his sweat drenched sheets, Kaidan swung his legs off the bed. The cold floor was a shock to his hazy thoughts. Curling his toes, he burrowed his feet into the linoleum. The feel of the hard flat surface was somehow comforting to his dizzying thoughts. Leaning on his elbows he cradled his pounding head in his hands as he debated whether to stand or lie down. Rubbing his forehead, Kaidan tried to not think of the dream but the lump in his throat prodded him. Unable to stop the eventual tide of despair, he gave way to tears, allowing them to fall quietly down his chest. _Shepard._

The dream was the same as it was most nights. The Normandy was muted in its hues of grey and blue. The sound of laughter and conversation were flat as he stood before Shepard's cabin door. Raising his hand to activate the door, he hesitated on pressing the button. He wasn't sure the Commander wanted company. The need to see her prodded him taking the decision away from him. The hiss of the opening door surprised him. His feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they carried him into the room.

The soft ambient light of her cabin felt welcoming. He saw her sitting at her terminal furiously entering data. A soft crinkle in her forehead indicated she was deep in thought. Kaidan hated to interrupt her instead he wanted to stand and stare. Her soft black hair fell haphazardly around her face. Each clump appearing to dance to its own merry music. He watched as a soft smile formed on her full lips, her eyes crinkling at the corners. Slowly she turned her eyes to meet his. In that moment, Kaidan was surrounded by a heavy weight. He could feel himself being pulled to her as her eyes entrapped him. The twinkling amber made his heart ache as he could see his hand moved to touch her. The feel of silken skin greeted him, welcoming him home. Quickly he grabbed her, wanting to hold her. Crushing himself against her, he could hear the melodious sound of her laughter ringing in his ears. The solid feel of her body caused him to shudder.

Kaidan buried his face in her neck and his hands softly stroked her back. The scent of lavender filled his nose.

"Why did you leave me Shepard? Why didn't you stay?" Kaidan could feel his arms lose their grip on her as she pulled away. He fought with himself to pull her back but it was no use, his arms refused to obey. Shepard leaned against her desk, watching him. The blue uniform of the Normandy covered her like a second skin.

"You left me, remember?" Shepard flashed him a teasing smile, beckoning him. Kaidan hung his head as he tried to make his body work. He wanted to touch her but his arms and legs were useless.

"I was angry. I should have listened, I should have stayed." Hollow laughter assaulted him. Glancing back to her, he noticed she was now dressed in a Cerberus uniform. Standing tall, she grasped his shoulder, pain lancing through his chest.

"You made your choice. I have to go." Pushing past him, she walked to the door. Kaidan tried to turn, his body slow and uncooperative. He watched helplessly as the door opened to reveal Thane standing on the other side. Kaidan fought with his body. He wanted to run to Shepard and prevent her from going with him. Thane held out his hand to her, a soft smile playing on the drell's lips.

"Come." To his horror, Shepard placed her hand in his as he drew to her him. Her pliant arms wrapped themselves around Thane's neck as she moved to kiss him. Kaidan tried to run to her but he was caught. The floor of the cabin had turned to thick mud that clung and pulled at him. He could feel himself being pulled into the floor. Looking down he realized he was already waist deep as he screamed for Shepard.

"Don't leave!" Gracefully she turned as Thane's arms curled around her, eagerly pulling her away. Her eyes twinkled as she softly smiled.

"Good bye Kaidan."

The door slamming shut terrified him. Futilely he fought against the mud that held him. Kaidan could feel the floor pulling him down, threatening to drown him. Fighting with all his strength he tried to grab for something to hold onto but it was no use. The mud covered his face, filling his nose and mouth. He tried to scream only to have the mud encase him, trapping him.

Kaidan shook his head as he tried to forget the dream. Every dream had someone taking Shepard away from him. Thane had now replaces all the other faceless demons. The memory of it made him feel helpless. _She's gone._ Breathing deeply, he stumbled to his feet. Glancing back at his bed, he imagined Shepard lying under the covers asleep. Kaidan shook his head to banish the image. Wiping his eyes, he gingerly walked toward his bathroom. The image in the mirror didn't look any worse than usual. He needed to shave and his hair was sticking up. He realized he had never spent a full night with Shepard. She had never seen him in the morning. Picking up his shaver, Kaidan began to shave as he brushed his teeth as he wondered at his thoughts. Finishing up at the toilet he reached and turned on the shower. Kaidan stepped into the warm stream. He lathered his hair and body with a vengeance. It occurred to him that he was trying to wash off Shepard's memory. Turning off the shower, he stepped out and wrapped himself in a fluffy towel. After popping a couple of pain relievers in his mouth, he began to dress. The memory of Shepard still vivid.

Kaidan left the bathroom and began making coffee and something to eat. Placing his breakfast on his table, he poked at his food. Slowly he began to shovel in the meal without really paying attention to the taste. He just knew he had to fill the empty void deep within him. As he ate he checked his extranet account, hoping against hope that she left him a message. Finding nothing, he picked up his apartment and began washed his dishes.

The times between missions was the worst for him. That was when she haunted him. _She isn't dead._ Kaidan made his bed then sat at the edge wondering what he could do. He knew if he talked with Admiral Anderson, he would find something, even if it was just gathering intel or speaking with diplomats. At least it was something. Grabbing his armor, he shed his civilian clothes and slid into the armor jumpsuit. Applying each piece of his armor, Kaidan felt less helpless, less broken. With the click of the last piece, he felt like himself. He checked his weapons then walked to the door. Picking up his trash, he left. He chuckled to himself realizing his taking out the trash had become second nature now. Shepard had taught him to take make his bead and take out the trash before leaving his apartment. Her rational was if she didn't make it back, at least she didn't look like a slob or have a foul smelling apartment. Kaidan was always amazed at the little things she taught him, the things that stuck with him.

He dumped the trash before leaving for the Presidium.

The soft murmur of conversation drifted through the air as Kaidan made his way toward the Embassies. The artificial sun light was bright to his weary eyes. In an attempt to calm himself after yesterday's council meeting with Shepard, Kaidan had drank himself into oblivion. Despite his attempt, he couldn't banish his feelings quite so easily. His chest tightened as he thought of Shepard and him. _I can't even think his name. Asshole._ Kaidan knew he had to get back to work, he had to find something to occupy his time. As he approached the embassies, he could see people milling around the entrance. Most were attempting to make appointments, some were waiting for their appointment times. Walking past the secretary, Kaidan made his way toward the stairs. The human embassy was located near the volus and elcor embassies. Taking two steps at a time, Kaidan tried to focus his thoughts but the memory of Shepard drifted in and out of his awareness.

Kaidan recalled the way she looked, the way she moved, the scent of her. All were real and ever present in his thoughts. He wondered how she had made it through the mission to the Collector base. Hearing the account firsthand didn't lessen the impact. The fight was hell and she almost lost most of her crew but she somehow managed to pull everyone through. That was the Shepard he knew. She would do the impossible and come out covered in glory, among other things. Kaidan admitted to himself that she was a hero, not a fictional or fake hero, but an honest to god, real life hero who put herself on the line for others, for humanity. The knowledge that he had turned away from her made him cringe each time he thought of it. The regret would be his until the day he died. He hoped one day he would be able make it up to her.

The door to the councilors office was closed as Kaidan approached. Opening the door, he saw that Admiral Anderson wasn't alone. Shepard was standing with him, speaking with her mother. Her back was turned to him. Behind her stood Garrus, Tali and Thane. All their attention was focused on Shepard and her mother. The air in the room was light and gay, it was as if he had arrived at a party. Hannah Shepard was smiling at her daughter. Kaidan was amazed at the likeness between mother and daughter. Not wanting to interrupt, Kaidan stepped to the side of the room, trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible.

Shepard smiled at Hannah, Kaidan could see her eyes were bright with unshed tears. Hannah embraced Admiral Anderson as she reached for Shepard.

"Thank you David. I... it's so good of you to let us meet here." Admiral Anderson patted Hannah on her arm as he empathetically nodded.

"It was my pleasure. Shepard has been a good friend. It was the least I could do." Hearing Anderson call Shepard a friend made Kaidan's stomach clench. Anderson had yet to refer to him as a friend. Instead, he always called Kaidan, 'Alenko,' or 'Commander', never friend. Kaidan knew much of the camaraderie between Anderson and Shepard was due to their shared N7 training at Arcturus. Kaidan, being a biotic, did not receive such training. Despite his service record, Kaidan didn't expect to have the same relationship Shepard had with the Admiral but he envied it. Kaidan watched as Shepard motioned to Garrus and Tali.

"Mom, you remember Garrus and Tali." Hannah squealed in delight.

"Garrus!" Grabbing the turian, she hugged him close before cupping his face.

"I'm so glad you're with Jane." Glancing over to Tali, Hannah held her arms open to the quarian. Stepping into Hannah's embrace, Tali sighed.

"Hannah. It's so good to see you. I so glad you could come." Hannah pulled away to look at Tali.

"You have grown into such a beautiful woman. I'm so proud of you." Grasping Tali's and Garrus' arms, Hannah squeezed both.

"I'm glad Jane has friends like you. There's no one else I would trust more that you to watch out for her." Hanging her head, Shepard began to blush. Kaidan felt a pang of jealousy at Hannah's statement. Glancing back at the group, Kaidan studied Hannah as she turned to Shepard.

"Oh, Jane. I was so worried. I'm glad I was able to come. I wish your father was here." Shepard hugged her mother, burying her face in her mother's hair.

"Me too." Pulling away. Shepard reached for Thane. Kaidan knew what was coming and he considered interrupting but he found he didn't have the heart to hurt Shepard. Instead he stood imobile, his eyes taking in Thane as he grasped her hand as he approached Shepard and Hannah.

"Mom. I want you to meet Thane Krios. Thane, I want you to meet my mother, Captain Hannah Shepard." Pulling them together, Shepard looked hopeful as she gazed at her mother.

"Mom. Thane is important to me. I love him and he loves me. I want you to get to know him." Hannah looked shocked as she stared at Shepard then Thane. Studying the drell, Hannah approached him, touching his face. After tracing his face with her fingers, she smiled.

"You love my Jane?" Thane gave Hannah a small bow before nodding.

"She is more important than the air I breath. I will live the rest of my days loving her." Hannah stepped closer to Thane, her eyes intensely studying him. Appearing to come to a decision, she reached for his hands. Raising them to her lips, she kissed each before embracing him.

"My Jane loves you. So I love you too." Stepping back, Hannah gently cupped his face before joining his hand with Shepard's.

"May your pairing be prosperous." Looking at Shepard, she smiled, her eyes mischievous.

"He's so handsome! I'll be very proud to have him as part of my family." Shepard gasped.

"Mom! You just met him and now you're talking..." Hannah giggled interrupting Shepard.

"Be happy, Jane. Life is too precious to live without the one you love." Shepard smiled and nodded as tears began to slide down her cheeks. Laughing softly, Shepard embraced her mother.

"Oh mom, I've missed you so much. I'm so sorry for not coming home sooner. I didn't want you to worry. I did everything I could to come back. I didn't want you to know I was alive only to lose me again. I couldn't do that to you. Please forgive me." Hannah began to cry as she held her daughter. Stroking Shepard's hair, Hannah gently rocked her.

"As you mother, I may be angry, I may yell but I will always forgive you. I love you, Jane." Turning to Thane, Hannah held her arm open to him. Unsure, he stepped closer only to be drawn into her embrace with Shepard.

"Whatever happens, as long you're together, I won't worry." Kissing Thane's head, Hannah whispered, "Take care of my girl. She's all I have." Kaidan could hear Garrus clear his throat as Tali began to sniff and fidget. Hannah looked toward Garrus and Tali and began to laugh.

"Come here!" Garrus and Tali moved to hug Shepard, Thane and Hannah. Watching them stand together, Kaidan could see the family he walked away from. All of a sudden, he felt very alone. Hannah stepped away from the group before touching each of their faces in turn.

"Take care of each other." Turning to Admiral Anderson, Hannah patted his arm.

"Thanks old friend." Admiral Anderson hugged Hannah.

"Anytime."

Seeing Kaidan, Admiral Anderson excused himself from the group and approached him. Kaidan shifted uneasily under the Admiral stare.

"Commander Alenko, what can I do for you?" Kaidan glanced around the room as he tried to think of something to say.

"Well sir, I was wondering if you had an assignment for me before my review." Anderson looked back at Shepard and her mother.

"Tell you what, why don't you wait and we can discuss it after Shepard leaves. Wait here." Kaidan nodded in agreement as he watched Anderson return to the small group. Bending toward Shepard, Kaidan could see him whisper in her ear. Shepard flinched as she turned to look at Kaidan. Meeting her eyes, Kaidan slightly nodded. Seeing Shepard looking at him, Hannah glanced around her daughter causing everyone's gaze to follow hers. Soon all the eyes in the room were on Kaidan. He could see Garrus and Thane stand straight, their eyes becoming distant. Thane clasped his hands behind his back as he stared at Kaidan. Feeling defiant, Kaidan crossed his arms and stared back. Hannah excused herself and approached him. Shepard followed closely behind.

"Kaidan! It's good to see you. Did you come to see Jane?" Kaidan looked at Shepard's mother as a twinge of regret settled in his gut.

"No, actually, I came to see Admiral Anderson. I apologize if I'm interrupting." Hannah smiled before looking at her daughter.

"After your disappearance. Kaidan came to see me and offer his condolences." Turning back to Kaidan, Hannah held out her hand. Grasping her hand, Kaidan shook it before chancing a glance at Shepard. He could see she was uncomfortable with his presence. Shifting her stance, she crossed her arms before breathing deeply.

"You never mentioned you saw my mother after the destruction of the Normandy. Thank you for doing that." Shepard looked at her mother. Hannah sighed as she touched her daughters arm. Looking back at Kaidan, Hannah gave Kaidan a small smile of sympathy.

"I'm sorry that your relationship did not work out with Jane. I hope you can still be friends but that isn't for me to decide." Touching Shepards shoulder, Hannah motioned for her to return to her crew mates. Glancing quickly at Kaidan, Shepard turned and walked to Thane and Garrus. Hannah watched her leave before stepping closer to Kaidan and leading him to a small alcove near the door.

"I'm guessing you are aware of Jane's relationship with Thane." Kaidan looked at Hannah as he nodded. Hannah looked at the floor as she appeared to be collecting her thoughts. Kaidan silently waited, wondering what she would say. Breathing deeply, she met Kaidan's eyes.

"Jane told me you and her were involved. She never mentioned that she loved you or that you loved her. Only that you were close. It wasn't until after she was dead that you told me you loved her. I'm going to guess you never told her." Kaidan hung his head as he listened to Hannah.

"No, ma'am." Hannah softly touched his shoulder.

"Seeing her with Thane must hurt. She told me about Horizon and what you said to her. She also told me that you walked away from her." Hannah's words tore open Kaidan's heart. Clenching his jaw, he shook his head as he tried he find a way to explain his actions.

"It was my fault. I shouldn't have let my anger override my judgment. I lashed out at her. I shouldn't have but I did. Now I have to live with that regret. I will spend the rest of my life regretting my actions. I only wish she could forgive me and let me make it up to her." Hannah touched Kaidan's face before raising his chin to look in his eyes.

"You're a good man, Staff Commander Alenko. Someday you'll be happy again. It was good seeing you. Take care of yourself." Patting his shoulder, Hannah turned and walked back to her daughter. Kaidan felt his future was drifting away as he watched her leave. He could see Shepard and Thane standing close as they watched him. Standing tall, Kaidan crossed his arms as he tried to look aloof. Admiral Anderson cleared his throat causing everyone to look at him.

"It was good seeing you Hannah and Shepard. Let me escort you to the main area. I'm sure you have a lot of catching up to do." Hannah smiled and shook Admiral Anderson's hand.

"It was good seeing you. Take care." Anderson nodded and motioned toward the door. Kaidan watched as Shepard and her mother walked past him. Shepard's crew fell in behind her. Kaidan stared at Shepard as she walked past. He could feel Garrus' and Thane's eyes on him but he refused to acknowledge them.

As the doors closed, Kaidan sagged in relief. Rubbing his neck, he glanced at Admiral Anderson.

Catching his gaze, Anderson shook his head.

"Alenko. I'm not going to say anything, there's no point." Moving to his desk, Anderson pulled out some files and handed them to Kaidan.

"I have a few things that need to be done. Shouldn't take long." Kaidan took the files before turning to leave. Suddenly a heavy hand fell on his shoulder stopping him.

"Give them a few minutes. I prefer to not have you run into them as they're leaving. It's for the best." Kaidan nodded before walking toward the balcony. Anderson joined him. Leaning on the balcony railing, they stared out onto the Presidium. Kaidan knew Anderson wouldn't lecture him. Thinking back upon the scene he witnessed, he knew Hannah had given Thane and Shepard her blessing. They were now a couple in Hannah's eyes. The thought made Kaidan want to puke. Hanging his head, Kaidan hit the railing with his fist. Anderson turned to look at Kaidan before straightening. His eyes were filled with pity. Patting Kaidan's shoulder, the Admiral turned and walked back to his desk. Standing at the railing, Kaidan lost track of time. All he knew was that he was alone and Shepard was gone.


End file.
